Something to make you laugh .....

A friend sent me these to cheer me up as I am indoors all day. I don't normally put jokes on the Blog, but these made me laugh out loud! They were taken down and published by court reporters who had had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Maybe I find them funny due to the the subject of my last weeks Creative Writing homework! (see Blog Monday 7th February).

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time of day you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30pm.
ATTORNEY: and Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No. he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He as about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Doctor before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Blood pressure?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar in my lab.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Leonardo Da Vinci

Self Portrait - 1512

Having been told to 'take it easy' for 24 hours, I decided that I would sit down with a cup of tea and my book 'The Life and Works of Leonardo Da Vinci' which I received as a gift yesterday. I have put my new interest in the Arts on a back burner for a while because of my writing course which is taking a lot of my time, but which I am enjoying. Having studied this book for a while and recalling the time when I saw some of Da Vinci's works in the London galleries some years ago I have decided I like his drawings better than his paintings.

This self portrait I particularly like. I had a birthday card from my sister some years ago which was a print of this and I still have it. He looks wise and intelligent with a sense of humanity about him, but the book tells me he is not as old as he looks when he drew this in red chalk around 1512. He was certainly an extraordinary man, even a beginner like me can see that. Some of his works, such as his designs for an excavating machine drawn in 1503, are well before their time, but then he liked to describe himself as an engineer, which he was, and just made passing reference to his paintings.

I am only halfway through my book, and as I am 'confined to barracks' as it were, there will probably be more about Da Vinci written later ..... anyway it's still snowing, and I don't fancy taking the car out in this weather!

Being Nosey ....

Being Nosey!

Once the drama of yesterday was over and my friend was leaving this morning it was a hoot in my house. Miss L is self confessed nosey! She lives in the country in a large house well away from the road and from the village, so when she comes to my house she is in her element! I was trying to put breakfast and got called upstairs twice, then to the living room, then she is looking out of the kitchen window but decided she could not see enough from there.

She saw, a woman sweeping snow from the front drive in her nightie, dressing gown and shoes, then she saw that someone had pegged their washing out in the snow, I was informed of the colour of the ironing board cover in the house over the way, what time they got up this morning and how they had now gone out! Each time someone passes my window she is like a 'Bobbin Robin'!

What tickles me is when she says 'I would hate to live here!' I suspect this street wouldn't be too thrilled at the prospect either!

A Big Thank you

My Heart procedure was successful yesterday. I want to say to all Blog readers and others who telephoned, left messages, sent ecards and generally supported yesterday, thank you. It was appreciated. Special thanks to Miss L for taking me into hospital, putting up with me while I was there, bringing me home and staying over to look after me. I am very lucky.

British Heart Foundation

I telephoned the British Heart Foundation Helpline today to ask about Arterial Fibrillation which is the condition that I have. As I am going into hospital to have it rectified tomorrow I thought I would get a different view point from the BHF. They were excellent. They told me what the hospital should have been telling me. I explained that I kept hearing emotive language like 'shocking the heart' and so on, and the BHF confirmed that unfortunately this was common language in hospitals, but it is all very mild and very safe which is all I wanted to know. They were so re-assuring. I can't praise them enough for this service.

At least I can face tomorrow with a more positive outlook now.

Weather watch!

Rear garden of my house this morning

Even after the snowfall overnight, which was only light I know, we didn't have a lot in the city. As I have said before, we are situated on the coast here on a very low plateau and rarely get snow. I was speaking with a friend on the phone last night and we agreed that the last substantial snowfall we remember in this city was 1984.

I remember that snowfall, I was still working then and we had had a day of interviews, my boss the then Bishop of Monmouth, was not keen for us to shut up shop as he thought people might still be trying to get try to get to us. The result of that was staff (all two of us) were stuck in the city centre long after the buses had stopped running and I had to walk the three miles home in the dark in a blizzard! My boss walked the first two miles with me and my husband and eldest son came to meet me from the other direction so I was not alone on this trek home! The worst that happened to me was that I had frost bite!

Nothing like that in 2009 ......... thank heavens!

Writing Class

A lot of empty chairs in our class!

Last week for homework we were asked to record three to five snippets of conversation that we had overheard during the week. I had visions of myself 'ear wigging' around Tesco's but that wasn't necessary as I got all I needed in the Pottery class last Wednesday from perfectly ordinary conversations!

I am going to list them in the Blog because taken out of context they are quite funny.

1."My Health visitor came to visit me because she broke down at the end of my road".

2. "I gave all my heads away".

3. "God made man in his own image, but what about women I ask myself"

4. "Remember the Black Widow spider eats the male after mating"
Reply: "Hmmm .......I can see the attraction!"

5. "Do you know that bees can count?"
Reply: "Have they counted their dwindling numbers?"

The tutor was pleased with what we had all harvested by stealth and then said "I want you to write one A4 size page of dialogue integrating at least three of the quotes you have recorded, all in the same story". That is part of this weeks homework, that and more reading! So another busy week.

The lesson did not start off too well this morning. 9.30 is the start time and at 9.40 we had no tutor, just when we were wondering what to do she arrived. A few people were not impressed as it is only a two hour session to begin with and by the time she unpacked and collected herself we had lost a quarter of an hour, but we soon gained time and were back on track. However, there is one lady (who keeps reminding us all that she has a degree in English Literature), who does not come every week, we all had to stop while she was kept up to speed with what had gone on in her absence. Now I do not know what the answer to this is, but it is limiting the time the rest of us have in tutelage in such a short period anyway. Another worrying fact is that we are less in number every week, although I believe that this has evened out this week. I don't think we will see any more returning. Let's hope all goes more smoothly next week!

Snow

I have mentioned before in this Blog that we don't get a lot of snow in this area where I live, so this morning when I saw the BBC News of Central London at a standstill with the snow moving South I thought we are bound to get some over the course of the morning, but no we didn't! They have had quite a fall in the valleys so I hear, but that is not unusual.

Cambridgeshire, where I have a lot of good friends, has been badly hit and I have been sent some nice photos via email. Kent and Surrey has also had heavy snowfalls both areas where I have family. I bet my great nieces and nephews are seeing, what is probably their first real snowfall, and having lots of fun. Unlike my own grandchildren who must be pretty miffed today with so many school closures all around them and life goes on as normal for them!

Church Social

A Church Social. I haven't been to one of these for years. I had forgotten how 'samey' they are, no matter what Parish you are in! A good evening though, everyone worked very hard to produce a good evenings entertainment. Members of the Church choir dressed in wigs, rugby kits, Doc Martins with tutu's over the top. They performed a ballet to Edvard Greig's Peer Gint Suite No.1 which was hugely popular with the audience. What a hoot!

For the second half of the evening a three piece group played music from the sixties. They were superb and everyone was up on the floor dancing to well loved numbers. When they were introduced by the Vicar at the start of the evening he called them the band with no name. It transpired that they were three undertakers from a local firm, who had all had bands in their younger days (the sixties) and now played at socials like this for no fee to give failing Churches a monetary lift! This concert was in aid of our sister Church which needs urgent repairs, well a total revamp really if money were forthcoming. All this, plus a 2 course meal, a glass of wine and entry into the raffle for just £5!

I got asked to help with flowers, the answer was 'No thank you', Cleaning 'put me on the rota' and administration 'Yes please' so I have taken on yet more again!

As with all these things the route from newcomer to helper is very short, but we wouldn't be there if we were not Christians and willing to help where we are of most use, not where we think we ought to be.

Still Life ?

Well not exactly Coco Chanel or David Bailey for that matter, but all my own design! I needed to suss out the use of the flash on my camera before I go out tonight, so I had a practice this afternoon.

In the art world does this qualify as still life perhaps ???

Gabrielle 'Coco' Chanel

Gabrielle 'Coco' Chanel

1883- 1971

I watched a programme on television last night about 'Coco' Chanel. I thought I would take a look as I have contributed to her fortune over the last 35 years, I wanted to see how it had benefited her!

Chanel once told 'Harper's Bazaar' that "simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance". How true that is. Chanel always kept the clothing she designed simple, comfortable and revealing. She took what she considered poor fabrics like jersey and upgraded them. Not that I have never owned any of her designs obviously, I have never had the money to do so, but I am addicted to her perfume, and that is where I, and millions of other women, helped with her fortune! I suppose after this length of time you could say Chanel No.5 is my 'signature fragrance'. However depleted my circumstances I don't intend to change that fact at this point in my life.

In 1921 Chanel No. 5 was the first perfume to have a designer name attached to it. She was the person who set the standard for future designers to do the same. I had a bottle of Chanel No.19 given to me at Christmas, it must have cost a fortune, but I am not impressed with it at all. To my way of thinking it does not come close to the fragrance of No.5, but we are all different.

This lady, from very humble beginnings, born in the poor house, abandoned to a convent at six years old to have a harsh upbringing with nuns started sewing in her teens, went on to make a huge mark on fashion all over the world, all her own designs and ideas. I really enjoyed this programme, it really is a story of rags to riches. It was on the History channel if any of you Chanel users, or wearers for that matter, want to watch this programme as these things are always repeated!

Art ....again!

Claude Monet

Arriving at the surgery at 7.45 this morning to have my bloods taken, we were let inside early because of the heavy rain. I was there before the nurse so started leafing through some magazines. One was a cultural publication, not the sort of thing you expect to find in this area of the City. My recent interest in art has taken a back seat since I started two courses after Christmas, but I found myself reading an article about Claude Monet. I liked the picture above and made a mental note to look up more about this artist when time permits.

Pablo Piccaso

Lithographe 1v

Upon turning the page, I found some lithographes by Pablo Picasso 'some of his earlier works' it said. I am obviously wasting my time in creative writing, I must get my pens out and have a go at something like this!

Simply Beautiful ........

This picture is beautiful isn't it? It was taken last week, unfortunately it isn't one of my photographs, it was taken by a friend. I hope we get some more frosty mornings, I have enjoyed photographing in frosty weather.

The plight of the Robin

The day started well, I watched a robin red breast in my back yard this morning. It's not often we see one of those in the inner city. I read in the last RSPB publication that 'the second wet summer in a row in (2008) has been disastrous for our best-loved birds. It was the worst breeding season since the British Trust for Ornithology began collecting records in 1983'. Other birds have fared badly too, but not like the Robins.

Today was a grey, dull, cold typical January day, it never really got light. However, after a few false starts with arrangements, I went off to see if I could get the publication I wanted for my writing class again and this time had success.

My Cardioversion has been re-scheduled for next Wednesday 4th February, I shall be glad when it is over now. I feel as if this situation has been around forever, but it is actually only seven months. I am still not very comfortable with it as I have no faith in this particular hospital. However, the alternative is a lifetime of medication, so .......... Cardioversion it is I suppose. I feel I have been served badly by the medical profession over this issue. There will be more to say on all this after next week, I suspect!

A day of happenings ......

Today in pottery I lost control of my pot. It started life as a pen pot and then had a metamorphosis and became a bud vase. It is a very wilful piece of clay, but I have to believe it will come through for me in the end.

On the way home from pottery, I was stuck behind a jazz band (yes, that's right) and couldn't overtake. They were parading around an area of the city where a very old, famous pub had closed down and this was the 'funeral march' arranged similarly to a funeral procession following a hearse, to make the point to the brewery that this pub was a piece of history, enjoyed by a community and was now boarded and shuttered because of their greed. BBC Wales were there and people handing leaflets to pedestrians and through car windows. I have had a similar experience to this before when I lived in the Cotswold's, my nephew and I were blocked in a parking space ........ by Morris men.

Eventually extracting myself from this situation, I met a friend for coffee; I was given a small present, a bar of hand made Welsh chocolate. I thought I had better eat it before Lent (as I am giving up chocolate for Lent) which I know is a month away, because if I took it home and put it away, I might discover it during Lent! It was super. The firm is called Castle Chocolate, hand made in Caerphilly http://www.castlechocolates.co.uk/ for further info. Nice for presents and so on ....

On my way out of the City, I saw the chap who I had lived next door to in Monmouth. .... odd. He waved and I felt I had to stop. He had been to the Tesco's local to me, said he comes down from Monmouth often to go there. It takes all sorts ........

After trying to buy a new cartridge for my printer, finding the shop did not have what I wanted and then failing to find the pottery supplier I needed, I eventually I got home. There was one of those leaflets on my mat from the Jazz Band people, supporters of 'The Engineers Pub' that had closed down, so I felt I had come full circle. Then on with more reading for my Creative Writing course.... Life has sure stepped up a notch!

Junk Mail

Like everyone else I get a lot of junk mail, however I get a substantial amount about planning my funeral. This started when I reached 60 years old and my pensions matured, and is just escalating.

I am fairly 'young at heart' for my age and just re-cycle these things tongue in cheek, but what about people who are a lot older, are they targeted too? How do they feel? Do they want their mortality spelled out in unsolicited mail a few times a week.

One of the paragraphs in the most recent letter starts ....... By freezing the cost of your funeral at today's prices you could make a substantial saving ....... How insensitive. What do these people think they are selling? A lot of people plan ahead, myself included; this was done when I was married. I find this unpalatable to have letters like this landing on my door mat. I like to think I have a long way to go yet and object to having something that is sensitive and personal coming through my letterbox

Diets and weight watching

One in four Britons is currently trying to loose weight. Two in five women say they are dieting 'most of the time', so why don't diets work? Well according to the hospital where I am under supervision for another problem, diets do work, but over a long period of time. The 'Quick Fix' method is a recipe for disaster. The hospital says that we undertake diets with very unrealistic expectations and that just planning to use a 'Quick Fix' diet makes us eat more. I will go along with this statement. Each time I plan to go to a slimming club, I eat more in the lead up to my start date than I would normally.

So what do we do? Healthy eating we all know is the key. I have been reading a book by Ian Marber and he advises against counting calories and says he is against the 'wagging-finger' approach to dieting. He advocates, eat sensibly, small amounts but often, do not get very hungry, and you can pair food to get maximum benefit from the combinations. It has to be worth a try as all else is failing for me.

Lent begins on February 25th. Last years I gave up chocolate and any product containing chocolate and I succeeded. If I can be sensible for the next month and then repeat my Lent commitment then, maybe I will see a difference in my weight by Easter. The message seems to be slowly does it!

Sunday -Burns Night Supper.

When our group arrived at the venue the evening was well under way. It was a riot of colour. All of the Scotsmen were either in kilts or tartan trews and a few of the ladies in swirling tartan skirts and black patent shoes. You could spot the Welsh a mile off, conservative and low key in smart casual wear, me and my friends among them!

The music was all Scottish bag pipe stuff being played from a CD at this point. I was introduced to the host who was very welcoming, but I couldn't understand a word he was saying, so I had to seek clarification from my friends. I somehow got into a conversation with another Scotsman about currency and he tried to give me a Scottish five pound note as a keep sake! (he was well away on the whiskey you understand!)

Next we were serenaded by the pipes (yes, for real and I suspect not very good, but how would I know?) and the Piper piped the haggis into the room and onto the table. Our host recited Robbie Burns poem 'Ode to the Haggis' when it arrived. Next there was the pouring of the 'sauce' onto the haggis, which turned out to be neat warmed whiskey which was set alight. There was dishes of swede and potato mix on the table, which was moreish, but I just tasted some haggis off someone else's plate due to it being doused in whiskey and me being the driver!


After supper there was a quiz going on in the conservatory, but my friends and I dipped out of that because it was a 'Scottish Facts' quiz and we felt unqualified to enter .... but apart from that the two males in my group were more interested in the malt whiskey tasting session going on somewhere else!

As the evening drew to a close we all sung Robbie Burns most famous piece 'Auld Lang Syne' which was quite an emotional affair when sang with the Scots. After thanking the hosts we left. Well, that was my first Burns night dinner, and I sincerely hope it won't be the last. It was nothing like I imagined it would be, I thought it would be loud and bawdy and everyone having too much to drink, and I suspect it can be, but this evening was nothing like that, it was a super evening, to be recommended if any of you Blog followers get an invitation in the future.

Creative writing course - Week 3

Creative writing was very intensive this morning. I am not expecting an easy ride, it wouldn't hold my interest if it was, but I certainly had to concentrate. The lesson dealt with Characterization and Plot. Students had to decide what was the most important to a story, the character or the plot! When the decision was made you had to write a short piece saying why you chose that particular train of thought ....... explain yourself I suppose. It certainly was challenging.

I was 'cock-a-hoop' with last weeks homework. My tutors comment was 'Excellent critical analysis - well done'. I hope I haven't 'set the bar too high' for this week! I spent hours on the homework last week, I am going to have to modify my time I think.

A pleasant day

Enjoyed a nice day with Miss L in Monmouth. We went to Midday Eucharist at the nearby Convent, it was lovely. There was just the priest, five nuns and my friend and I. I have worshiped there many times but today with such a small gathering it seemed more intimate, more personal, just like a group of friends sharing something special.

After lunch we went into Miss L's garden. I have learned to keep my camera close to me and I was able to photograph some very stark, bare trees. One of them (photograph above) has clumps of mistletoe in the top branches. I had lots of lush greenery and some wonderful wisps of Wychazel to take home to arrange in my sitting room.

My friends daughter and her husband joined us for the afternoon. While hubby was doing some jobs in the garden I was being taught to crochet by his wife! It was all good fun!

After a deep discussion about the National Lottery and how we are covetous of winning but rarely enter, I decided to invest a few pounds on the way home. Let's get things moving, we both need some money! The next I remember about the Lottery is when the numbers are put on the television screen some hours later. Damn ....forgot again! Never mind, we are rich in other things.